Have I heard you correctly?

Listening is a skill. However, because it is often not seen that way, many people listen poorly. The result of this can be entrenched debate, resentment, lack of ownership, wasted time and slow progress. The fact is, listening to people can be hard. Particularly when you are in the middle of a disagreement.

When we have a particular point of our own to get across, that can become our entire focus, and what we refer to as ‘listening’ is simply searching for a break in the conversation or filtering for flaws in what is being said to you.

The problem we encounter is that when two or more people are doing that at the same time, no one is actually hearing anything new, and so the argument goes round in circles.

One key way to ensure you are listening is to be able to repeat what the other person has said. This is taken to the extreme in a counselling technique called ‘clean language’ where the listener literally uses the speakers words verbatim to raise the next question that the have about their situation.

In ‘Theory U’ there is a technique to actively appreciate something that the last speaker has said and then to build on it, or to ask a follow-up question. This helps to maintain a attitude of curiosity and compassion, and to keep the conversational ambience to one of positivity and insight. (See meaningful conversation)

If you are facilitating a situation where two or more people (possibly including yourself) seems to be in an entrenched discussion, a ‘koosh ball‘ (physically, a soft ball made out of long elastic strands – but there are virtual equivalents) can be very useful in helping to break through.

The way it works is that only the person who holds the koosh can introduce a point to the discussion. Then before the next person receives the koosh ball to make their point, they have to restate the point of the previous speaker to the speaker’s satisfaction. If they cannot do this, then the speaker can restate their point, until the next speaker can do so. Then the koosh ball passes on, and so the discussion continues.

To use this technique in a virtual meeting, create a circular area in which people place their cursors around the outside, and have a picture of a koosh ball in the middle, which is occupied by the cursor of the current speaker.

What is fascinating is, in the very early stages of using this tool, how many attempts have to be taken at repeating the point the preceding speaker made. The token passed does not actually need to be a koosh ball, but the koosh ball has the advantage that it is a bit different, and can be thrown safely across a room.